What to Expect in Corporate America!
Photo by Urthstripe
You got the confirmation. Welcome to Corporate America! It doesn’t matter who you work for because you now have health insurance and a steady paycheck. This may not be your dream job but now you can get screened for sexual diseases in the comfort of your in-network doctor’s office. Life is good. This is your first corporate job and before you lay your clothes out to work like this is junior high, this is what you can expect in corporate America.
Fat Asses
A nice fat ass would probably make you think this is an article enforcing the joys of corporate America. This isn’t that kind of ass and that kind of article. I’m talking FAT asses. Asses so fat you could comfortably rest a champagne glass on it while he/she is standing. At first, that would be hilarious, but weird gi-normous asses have limited appeal like freak shows. These rumps might seem tempting to snack into like Christmas hams but the massive rolls accompanying them will make you feel like you’re raping the Michelin Man. The fat asses in corporate America are glaringly scary. If you’re a woman, expect to grow one of these. If you’re a man, settle someone down, quick.
Self-Loathing
As you go through the rounds of conversing with your new colleagues, you will see a common personality in every cube row. That character trait is self-loathing. Corporate America is full of people who hate themselves. Your smile will be chalked up to being the new guy, similar to the soft untarnished skin of a new inmate. Your coworkers have given up on being happy. You can spot a self-loather by the constant frown they have smacked across their face. If you ever ask them about their weekend, they drone on about their kids and the issues they had in taking care of them. The self-loather has the power to make you hate his/her life along with your own. Ironically, the self-loather lives by a quote about happiness. Sadly, they can’t live by it so everything is miserable on their end. As you see them each week, you can only hope that one Monday they won’t show up as their general outlook finally caused them to go down the road as opposed to across the river.
Irrational Decision Making
Let’s say you have a small business where the staff consists of six people. Your staff is needed for a business meeting located a hundred miles away. At most, you will need one laptop bag as everything is online these days. You are put in charge of providing transportation. If you rented a Greyhound bus for this business meeting, you would be fired. In corporate America, these types of foolish decisions are made every day. The money isn’t accounted for so the value of the employee’s worth is lost. For example, in your corporate job, you can expect to find an employee photocopying for 5 hours (at their pay rate of $20/hr) instead of outsourcing it to a copy shop for $35. It doesn’t make sense or dollars. You will see this everywhere. Don’t bother questioning your boss about irrational decision making because it would be the equivalent of whipping out your junk and peeing on a monkey, you will have your junk ripped off and handed to you. If you decide to say something, be sure your resume is polished to reflect your newly lost job. This is corporate America, you don’t ask questions.
Is it all that bad? Yes. I work in a corporate job and my only respite is a morning beat off session and imagining what it would be like to balance a glass of champagne on a fat ass. However, the hours of 9-5 don’t define me. If you value any semblance of your life, you will find a creative outlet that you can one day turn into a profit or a crippling drinking habit your future son can use to profit off as a tell all biography.
