Mean Rubber

Photo byDoug88888

Dear Julia,

I am sorry I made everything so awkward the other night when we were watching Rock of Love Bus and you were laughing and I tried to kiss you and then pretended like it was nothing before I kinda ran outta your house crying. I am kinda kooky like that sometimes…lol…

I understand and am totally cool with the fact that you don’t want to date me. Your friendship is as valuable to me as it is to you, and I sincerely mean that. Although it will be very difficult for me to sweep aside the way I feel about you and I know you’ve had a tough time getting over the emotional scars of your ex boyfriend, I will do what makes you happy. If you ever need anything or want to talk I want you to know that I’m totally here for you and down for whatever…no awkwardness here…I just want you to be a part of my life, whatever that means!

I just wanted to know something else… for myself. If I was a total douchebag, do you think you might consider dating me? Because, you’ve always said that what I mean to you as a friend is something you’d never jeopardize by dating me. So I’m just wondering, I guess, about the criteria here. I mean, I know your last boyfriend, Todd, was a real prick and he banged your sister and showed up drunk to your grandma’s funeral, but you DEFINITELY had sex with him…. soooo… I guess what I’m asking is if I were ever to do something kind of nasty to you, do you think that there’d be like, any hope of me getting to maybe kiss you, for like a second? I’m just kinda putting that out there, and if it sounds weird, forget it, I am totally cool with driving you to the mall and watching you shop like we usually do every weekend.

Julia, you are extremely important to me and I hope that everything works out for you in life. Like remember that guy Steve you called me about, that time who drove you home when you were blackout drunk that time and shoved your head into his lap? You told me what a prick he was as if that was a bad thing, but then like, two weeks later at Dave’s house you tried to swallow his dick whole in the laundry room, and then he never called you again. I really hope he calls you back. Not that I’m jealous or anything, but like, just floating another totally hypothetical question out there.

Again, if I am crossing the line, please let me know.

Anyway, if I were a real prick to you the next time you call me on the phone to “vent” about your shitty day and the “shortage of nice,single guys,” and said something like “bitch, I’ve got your nice, single dick right here…”

Would you touch it?

I would NEVER say anything like that, but I’m just slightly confused by your criteria.  What exactly do you mean by nice?

Julia, you are very dear to me, and we’ve been through a lot together. When Doug dumped you to go out with Heather and told everyone you were a desperate slut and you lost twenty pounds and I had to drive you home from all those parties when you passed out and made a fool of yourself in front of a dozen people because of what an asshole Doug was for dumping you even though you let him put it in your butt…never mind- what I mean is- I didn’t mind cleaning you up all those times, wiping away your tears,  making you dinner, or sleeping with you(in the most literal terms possible) when you felt alone or anything, because you’re my best friend, but I was just wondering…If I were to drop the pretense, quit this whole act, and treat you like the dirty whore you are, would you let me put it in your butt? I mean really??!! What does a guy have to do to get his dick wet??!

All my Love,

Your Best Friend Tom