Photo by Hugh_Jack@ss

Believe it or not, writing for a humor website leaves me with a little bit of free time, which is why I spend upwards of 100 hours per week watching television. I’ve always been a “watch TV for the commercials” kind of guy, and I’ve noticed that lots of commercials are highlighting their products in terms of the current recession. From E-Trade to Domino’s, it seems that reminding people how hopelessly fucked their nest eggs are is a surefire way to make some sales, despite the fact that Domino’s has nothing to do with bailouts.

This could mean that we’ll be seeing all sorts of zany industries and markets relating their products to our current financial shit storm. I’ve written up some commercial transcripts, to give you an idea of what this might look like…

Commercial #1

[Sad old man, sitting next to his sad old wife]: He took everything from us. We’ve got nothing left.

[Somber, serious narrator]: Bernard Madoff stole sixty-five billion dollars from the American people. For decades, Madoff conned hundreds into buying into his scheme, raping them of their 401ks.

[Woman]: He gained our trust, and then just…*sniffle*… just bent us over and fucked us. I’ve never been fucked so hard in my life. (Squeezes husband’s hand, giving him a small, bleak smile)

[Man]: How could a 70-year-old Jewish man fuck so many people so hard?

[Woman]: And to be able to fuck them every day for decades! He’s got more stamina than that colored trombone player I railed in the ‘30s! (Her husband gives her a quick, peculiar glance)

[Narrator]: You’ve already lost your children’s college funds, but at least you can hold onto your love life. If you want to be able to fuck people as hard as Madoff did, the solution is clear.

[Viagra Band]: VIVAAAAAAAA VIAGRA!

[Narrator]: Ask your doctor if Viagra is right for you.

[Man, smiling as he caresses his wife, who gives him a sultry gaze]: Now I’ve got a Ponzi scheme of my own (Both give a hearty laugh)… My penis.

Commercial #2

[Vince]: Hi, it’s Vince with ShamWow! In times like these, we’ve got to cut costs wherever we can, which is why the ShamWow is a great purchase.

Not only does a ShamWow keep you from spending cash every month on rags, sponges and paper towels, but with our new improved design, you can save all your toilet paper costs too! That’s right, the new ShamWow is so efficient that you can wipe your ass with it! I’m gonna show you a quick demonstration here; pretend this swatch of carpet is your asshole, and this cola is feces (pours generic cola on carpet swatch). See how the ShamWow picks that shit up? Then you just ring it out into the crapper. It sells itself!

This thing is unbelievable! You can use it on the kitchen, the boat, your bloody face after it gets bit up by a methed out whore, the RV, the car you’re living out of now that your house got foreclosed. Just listen to this testimonial from the CEO of a tech start-up:

[CEO]: My gutter-wine has turned me blind, so I’ve been known to spill from time to time, ‘specially when I get hobo drunk. Now I just use the ShamWow to clean up my spills, then I just ring it out over my mouth! It also keeps me warm a hell of a lot better than a pile of newspapers. And it’s made in Germany, so you know it’ll keep the rickets away.

[Vince]: I know in these tough times, some of you are all about making the right investments. Well I’ve got a great investment for you: ShamWow! We’ve sold so few of these that they’re practically guaranteed to be rare collectors’ items in a few years, so you can sell your ShamWow for some major cash. Call today and I’ll send you fifty of the fucking things!

Commercial #3
[Male voiceover]: Last September, we all learned just how quickly our finances can disappear, which is why we need an insurance provider that is there for us when times are tough.

[Rotoscoped woman]: I’m sick of all these insurance companies that are out of touch with what regular people need. I want an insurance company that understands what I’m going through during this financial crisis.

[Male voiceover]: At American International Group, we understand. We’ll be with you every step of the way as you try to escape financial ruin. We also can’t afford a longer commer- [Commercial ends abruptly]

Commercial #4

[Mildly attractive woman in her late thirties]: You know, my vagina is an awful lot like the economy: back in the ‘90s, business was booming. Americans, Swedes, Japanese; everybody was investing in it! But the bubble burst when I realized that some of my gentleman callers made some sub-prime loans, sending my vagina into an itching, burning recession.

I needed a bailout, and that’s why I turned to TwatGloss, the finest douche around! My vagina was collapsing, but now that I’ve pumped it full of TwatGloss’s patented witch-hazel solution, it’s back to its AAA rating! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pick up some truck-stop stimulus packages, if you know what I mean!

[Jovial, game-showy male voiceover]: TwatGloss! It’s what you need to clean your recession!