Have you ever shared an infinitesimal moment with a stranger that you’ve still managed to hold on to with the greatest tenacity, despite its brevity? Did even a fleeting glimpse across a café leave you feeling tender in the cockles? Do you lie awake at night, wondering where you would be if only you had asked him/her out to lunch or even mustered up a “Hello”? I’ve had a few of these lost connections in the past, but rather than letting them disappear forever, I would like to use this opportunity to try to rekindle such timeless bonds.

While it’s true that Craigslist features its very own Missed Connections personals section that allows users to try to stoke romantic fires that never were, I have opted against using the site after the lack of serious responses to my “Woman to sit in my bathtub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit” request (The offer still stands if anybody’s interested, though I’m now substituting the $1 offer for a copy of Ben Affleck’s Reindeer Games on VHS).

With that, I leave you with my missed connections, in hopes that you’ll be able to shed some light on the ones that got away. If you know who any of these people might be (or if you ARE one of these people!) please contact me immediately. Help me find my soul mate.

Buzz Cuts Guy
I was in my beat up Plymouth Acclaim with “PROLIFE” Wisconsin vanity plate, listening to music at a modest volume. From fifty yards away, I could hear the unmistakable chorus of Eve 6’s “Inside Out” (that late-nineties hit about frappéing organs) blasting from your car in the lane over.  As I approached your car at a stoplight, I was momentarily blinded by the jewel case you were waving outside the driver’s window. Once I got closer, I realized that the CD case you were holding was none other than Buzz Cuts, the alternative rock compilation seen on TV! Just blasting such an awful, dated song is brazen enough, but you truly outdid yourself by letting your freak flag fly, showing the world that you actually bought Buzz Cuts while rocking out to one of its tracks. Buzz Cuts Guy, please come back into my life. I am hanging by a moment here with you.

Crazy Old Man
It was at Alpine Bagel in the University of North Carolina Student Union in spring, 2007. I had that life-changing encounter with you, Crazy Old Man. Since you were quite frail, I took it upon myself to hold the door open for you. You were grateful, joking, “You’re a very nice young man! You’re clearly not a republican,” followed by a throaty, weak laugh that can only come from a lifetime of Chesterfields. I enjoyed this nice little bit of humor, though it was your following non sequitur that cemented you a spot in my memory forever: “If your parents ask you how you’re doing, tell ‘em, ‘I had the best fuck of my life last night!’”. With that, you walked off into the sunset and out of my life. If you’re still alive and somehow computer literate, I can only pray that you’ll accidentally come across this site when you’re searching for “njkdsfjsdndshsaffffffffffffff”. Please, Crazy Old Man, I need to have a beer with you. In fact, we could probably get you writing on the site in no time.

Overzealous Sports Fan
The Big 12 region is home to a good deal of overly fervent football fanatics and yet, during my recent trip to Austin, Texas, the memory of one particular fan has remained with me ever since. Some might say that passion for a sports team is best shown with face paint or foam hands, but I don’t think anybody is as passionate about their team as you, Overzealous Sports Fan, despite your lack of such flair. Instead, you opted for a simple, classy burnt orange shirt to show off your pride for the University of Texas as you perused the mall on that summer day. Your shirt read, “You can’t spell cocksucker without OU!” (With the OU representing those pillow biters up at Oklahoma University, naturally). Though a homophobic football t-shirt in Texas is hardly worth thinking twice about, it was the fact that you were pushing around your young child in a stroller all the while that made me enthralled by you, Overzealous Sports Fan. By wearing such a shirt, you’ve proven that you’re willing to sacrifice your role as a respectable parent in favor of showing off your Longhorns pride. Such devotion to your team is unparalleled; you have pride and commitment that I could only dream of. That is, why, oh Overzealous Sports Fan, I hope we can reconnect, so you can teach me the ways of such undaunted devotion.

Oh, I should probably include my son in this list as well. Sorry about leaving you at Dairy Queen, little guy!