In 1991, getting porn was mission impossible. I remember the concept of a naked woman first being introduced to me at elementary school. A broken home kid would bring in a porno magazine to share with other children who would give him more attention than his alcoholic father would when he wasn’t “tucking” him in at night. We all gathered around this kid as a gang of horny hooligans eager to catch a glimpse of a titty or two. I remember running home to see if my family had a collection of porn I could rummage through. Unfortunately, my parents kept their stash well hidden like Columbian dealers straight out the fields of Bogotá.

If your parents didn’t have a lock n key library, you were left to find whether your friend’s parents were into that kink shit with whatever reading material they left hidden in their closets. If not, you had to venture out in the world to seek out a perverted shopkeeper who didn’t mind selling to minors. You could tell how the situation was going to go down by simply observing the merchant. He had to have one of those faces greasier than the before picture for Proactiv. If the three foot radius around him had a peculiar scent similar to salt water, you were in good business. If he used deodorant that meant your journey was only beginning.

It was always good to play out your personal Cuban Missile Crisis by waiting to see how other underage patrons would fare. The rookie mistake, as some of us have experienced, has been blowing your milk money on the porn three pack only to get stiffed with a black and white porn magazine. Another indication of a loose morale porn merchant would be the grave yard of broken masturbatory dreams in the form of black and white porn magazines rotting in a nearby parking lot or abandoned field.

Fast forward five years when Al Gore perfected the internet and we were cyber sexing balding men on America Online during the day while downloading porn clips at night. Believe or not, this was the golden age of porn. You had to put in a little elbow grease to find porn but it was worth it. Porn videos in the later 90s were circulating the internet like Tupac post-death tapes in southern California. These were the days was when I would sleep over a friend’s house, play video games till dawn, and conclude my slumber party by shorts of Submissive Sluts 4 at 7am. Till this day, I never found out how the patient was cured of his raging hard on but dear Evan Stone, I can imagine.

Everyone else’s porn downloading days varied by client but they all ended the same, gratified by a two minute clip that involved having to sit through a story line leading up genitalia screen time. This is where it all ended.

Porn today is lightning fast. Nowadays, you can skip the subtleties of a camera zooming in on a can of Crisco grease with a woman saying, “You know what its good for,” and rubbing it in her ass and go right to the facial. In addition, nothing is shocking. How sad is our current state that Two Girls One Cup was shocking at first but has opened the door to shit fetish videos? Horse porn has become old hat. These days you need a transvestite midget with dildos as a bikini jerking off a tiny tea cup poodle for you to look to the left and go, “oh hey porn.”

We have to go back to simpler times where sex didn’t involve interspecies or vegetable relations. We need to be keeping our animals in zoos and our cucumbers in crispers. They should be left out of the bedroom. I’m not one for a conservative sexual lifestyle but isn’t it enough when the only thing that is going to get you off is a middle aged Asian woman with a mastectomy and a peg leg. Sex between people, regardless of gender, is looking a lot better than banging Mr. Ed (plus – he already had his fifteen minutes).

Let’s go back to foreplay by showing an ankle as opposed to going ass to mouth. The extremes have gotten out of hand to the point where a burka is something I’d welcome as opposed to a sloppy bukaki organized by bored Japanese businessmen. If this kind of dark exploration continues, the future of man will eventually become sterile as it will take more than three fingers to milk a man.

The finger tips alone are filled with thousands of nerve endings. Instead of numbly clicking on goat dick pictures, make an excuse to (appropriately) touch someone you’re attracted to and recall on the immense pleasure you received. After all, humanity depends on you.