Leaving Dates in Ruin: A How NOT to Guide!
Photo by Foxtongue
In honor of my successful avoidance of the dating scene, it’s time to reminisce upon some of my classic fuck ups over the years. Once again, the events here actually occurred, but the name of the girls will be left out to spare her any embarrassment so that she can safely deny ever dating me.
From time to time, someone I’ll come across will ask that always-intriguing question, “Why are you single?” Well, besides being an asshole and lacking any fashion sense, I have less game than a Jamaican bobsled team.
One particular girl I dated for awhile, I took to the movies. Now I figure if you’re going to do something, just cowboy the fuck up and do it. No one deserves to make progress if they don’t have the nuts to step up and try. On this particular occasion, I’m referring to the arm around the shoulder. I don’t go for the fake stretch, the yawn, or slow stealth-like creep move where suddenly it’s just there. No, I just go ahead and do it. Usually it’s no problem.
Unfortunately this time, we had both been tired and went to a late night movie. I was really into the movie and had started to zone a bit. I didn’t know that she had actually fallen asleep and her head was leaning toward my shoulder. So, totally watching the movie and not looking, I go to put my arm around her.
Next thing I know, she’s awake. Why is she awake now? Because I straight up elbowed her in the fucking head. Sweet. I’ve got mad skills. It was definitely unintentional but I didn’t want her to feel like she was on a date with Ike Turner, so I made sure to apologize and cheer her up after that. For the record, like shifting lanes on the highway, I now throw a glance to the side before I decide to make that move.
As you can probably guess, there wasn’t a second date. That particular girl was smart enough to get out quickly and avoid the awkwardness of the next gal.
I had the day off and was just lounging around. She came over when she got out of work and asked if I wanted to watch a DVD or something. I forget what it was, but I was like, “ya, sure, it’s just on top of the TV”.
Unfortunately, it actually was not on top of the TV, although a porno was. She turned around and said, “um….,this definitely isn’t it”. True dat. It most definitely was not the DVD I had anticipated being there. This might not have been that embarrassing if we were together for awhile, but at this point I think we had dated for like a month.
Anyway, you would think that I would quit while I was ahead. You know, learn from my mistake, and get my ass on over there and find it myself. Nope. I just said, “Oh, it must be in the DVD player then.” Funny thing. It was not in the DVD player. But you know what was? Another porno. Idiot. I’ve got like two pornos and somehow managed to leave them directly where some chick would find them. Once again, I suck at life.
On a side note, I remember that the one in the DVD player was called something along the lines of Anal Whores. Somehow I find that to just sound even more embarrassing. Looking back now, I really have to wonder what she found more strange, me leaving porn like that, or my whole “well that’s embarrassing, oh well, what did you wanna watch again?” attitude.
On an end note, I think I’m gonna have to go back and quote a good friend on this one:
If humility is a virtue, then I am on the path to righteousness.
