Mean Rubber

Photo by fergusonphotography

It was a mere two years ago that I was enrolled in a state university. Although I could punt a medium sized animal farther than the distance between my parents’ house and the campus, I was legitimately making attempts to grow the fuck up.

I survived one year. Consider that claim lightly stated. No more than five days stood between each panic attack and I spent the equivalent amount of time at home as I had when, well.. when I lived there my whole life previous.

Upon erratically informing my parents I was moving to New York City they smirked and bid me farewell. Considering I was the girl who was too afraid to drive on the highway and who couldn’t order her own food at a restaurant, I knew that they expected me back home, shit in my terrified little panties within the week. Fuckers!

As a tribute to my doubtful parentals, I present the following. I ain’t got no college degree but dang I’m a city girl- a classy one I might add.

What I’ve learned in New York City: the most important lessons thus far.

If you show your vagina you will get paid.

The Homeless are people too. Lack of a private habitat does not and will not interfere with masturbation. On public transportation.

Anything can be turned into a bong.

Never mention ‘queefing’ on a date.

“I think you’re amazing and I can’t wait to see you again,” translates literally to: “Glad we fucked. I will now ignore you forever.”

In a recession it is not uncommon to see many pretty girls making out with old rich men at bars.

Managers will pass out coke on dead nights in the restaurant. (Mom, I’ve never tried it, don’t worry.)

You will be cast as the lead in a movie if you’re willing to orally manipulate the penile apparatus.

If you fall asleep on the train late night, you are susceptible to getting a smelly homeless backpack to the face.

“HUGE SPACIOUS ROOM FOR RENT” means ‘if-you-fart-in-this-apartment-building-everyone-will-know-because-we-are-so-cramped room for rent!’

Being a friendly waitress inherently means you’re interested in a threesome with your ugly, old guests.

Unsure if you should lose some weight? Go to a casting, they will let you know.

“Your baby is so adorable! I am going to steal her!” could be considered a legitimate threat and it is not uncommon to see a mother quickly gather her child and run.

Be careful what you read on the train- old Asian women will call you out and publicly deem you perverted. (I swear it was a play on words and legitimately had nothing to do with ‘blow jobs’.)

Do not say the word ‘uterus’ in a text message to a guy you like.

Keep your room clean! Perhaps during a one-night-stand someone might put your undies from the floor on his face. A dirty thong doesn’t consequent a happy face.

I will never find a normal man in the city.

Tits= talent.

I do not have tits.

I have 7 dollars currently in my bank account.

I’ve come a long way from the silly, nervous little New Hampshire girl I once was. Although you had little or no faith in my ability to live on my own, Mom and Dad- I can feel how proud you are when I call home to indirectly ask for more money. Your baby is growing up!