Mean Rubber

Photo by Jacob Botter

Hello, my name’s Sax, and I have a Facebook addiction.

Like oh so many of my Internet brethren, I spend far too much time on the ‘book. I don’t even know why, but dozens of times a day, I feel compelled to peruse the site. Sure I’m creepin’ pics a good deal of the time, but sometimes I’ll just go into a daze, staring blankly at status updates of people I don’t even remember. Five minutes later, I’ll do it again. I often find myself clicking on the Notifications button, just to make sure Mark Zuckerberg didn’t forget to let me know that somebody I’ve never met also commented on a photo that I commented on. Then I’ll check my profile a few times, as if I don’t already know that my favorite movie is Dirty Dancing.

At first Facebook was just a little treat, something I could indulge in after finishing a long paper or while taking a real good poop. But before long, I would wake up in a cold sweat, desperately yearning to check out all my friends’ bumper stickers for a hearty dose of nostalgia, kittens, and pedophile jokes. Now Facebook has become a part of every waking minute, which led to some family tensions when I “poked” grandma. If I’m away from my computer, sometimes I’ll start making the Facebook Chat message noise with my tongue just to calm myself down.

Friends and family have intervened, telling me to just delete my account. I know people who’ve done this and are better because of it, but alas, I lack their fortitude. I went a day and a half without checking Facebook once, but now I owe my roommate another cat and I’m legally required to use safety scissors.

Since I failed at going cold turkey, I tried to come up with a way to wean my Facebook addiction over time. I’ve realized that the thing that keeps me coming back is the knowledge that there are countless pictures, videos, wall posts and profile updates to be read. The solution? Get rid of my Facebook friends! I’ve tried to delete some of them myself, but I struggle with removing even the bowlegged girl from middle-school as a friend… I get a case of the Facebook shakes and just can’t follow through with canning them. It seems that her Gilmore Girls quotes just mean too much to me. Because of this, I can only hope that my myriad friends start removing me, eventually leaving me with such an empty shell of a Facebook experience that my addiction will fade away. Lucky for me, Facebook provides countless ways to alienate your friends in hopes of getting them to never want to e-contact you again. Here’s just a small cross-section of tricks I’ve used to help me cope.

1) Thankfully, the Zuck recently upped the potential for passive aggression on Facebook big time with the “Like” tool, which allows you to give a cute lil’ thumbs up to pictures, status updates and so forth, displaying something like, “Sax Jazzarello likes this” for all to see. Seems pretty innocuous, doesn’t it? Well sure it’s innocuous… until you put it in the hands of a guy whose only Facebook interest is “Schadenfreude”.

The beauty of the Like tool lies in the fact that most people on the internet incessantly bitch and moan about how sad they are, writing things like, “Denny desperately wants these emotions to end”. When I see stuff like this, I give ‘em the thumbs up, leaving Denny shocked, puzzled, and sadder than ever.

“Gunther feels like crap”. Well yeah, probably because you’re named Gunther. You know what’s gonna make you feel even crappier, G-spot? I like this!

“Gibbons is sitting in the emergency room waiting to get his hand stitched up since he sliced it open on a can of beans”. Bloody thumbs up, Gibbons (And props to you for getting blood all over your new iPhone, sucka)!

“Amanda left the group ‘Never Forget 9/11’”. Amanda’s a terrorist now, and I Like that.

“Keely wants to know if anybody has a swine flu vaccine” I’m afraid I don’t, Keely, but if laughter is the best medicine, I could probably cure swine flu (and AIDS, for that matter) just by reading your status. Here’s a well-earned thumbs up.

Hopefully the twisted, ironic Like will teach these assholes not to fuel my addiction.

2) It’s likely that many of your friends have similar updates about the same thing. I like to take this opportunity to make my own updates that completely fly in the face of everybody else’s. Take, for instance, the fact that Anoop Desai, an alumnus of my college, made it to one of the final rounds of American Idol. I don’t care about American Idol in the least, but that won’t stop me from trying to alienate some people. Here are some status updates from several people at my school, with mine mixed in. See if you can guess which one it is!

“I’m so prouddddd of you Anooppppp!”
“Anoop is the bestttttt ”
“EVERYBODY VOTE FOR ANOOP NEXT WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK”
“ooOoooohhh baby, anoops makes it to the top 9!”
“HEY ANOOP, FUCK YOU”

3) Now here’s something for the lovebirds in us all. As you may know, if you set your relationship status as “In a relationship with Monique Foody”, then Ms. Foody will first get a message asking her to verify that the two of you are in fact in a relationship. Now think about how great it would be if Monique Foody were one of those “wait, how the hell do I know this person?” friends. She’ll think you’re a creepy creepster and de-friend you immediately – mission accomplished.

Think about all the possibilities! You can say you’re married to the guy who attended some conference with you back in high school and haven’t seen or heard from since; it can be complicated with the girl you’ve never met but friend-ed anyway because her last name is “Plunger”; you can say you’re engaged to the sexy Asian girl from high school (and pray that she accepts); or you can start an open relationship with your mom’s best friend, though she probably doesn’t know how to un-friend people since she’s old, so that could be a waste of time.

BONUS! If you’re in a real relationship on Facebook, you’ll have to end that before you start a new one. Ideally, your significant other will get extremely pissed and unfriend you! It’s okay, because they suck anyway.

4) You know that feeling when you check your email and see that somebody’s tagged a photo of you when you weren’t expecting one? It feels pretty good as you excitedly follow the link to see what the mystery picture is, doesn’t it? Well imagine how quickly you’d turn sour if you saw that the picture was none other than this:

Tagging people in this photo is like stabbing them in the heart, and using Comic Sans MS font is like squeezing lemon juice all over the cut.

I employed these techniques for a while,  and I’m afraid to say that I didn’t lose a single Facebook friend. It seems that I’m not the only one who can’t commit to ditching my e-friends. That’s not to say that I’m suffering from the same addiction. In fact, I no longer get much pleasure out of just mindlessly zoning out on Facebook for days. Instead, I can’t log on without being overcome with the urge to ruin as many peoples’ days as possible.

It seems I’ve gone from caffeine to heroin.