You got the confirmation. Welcome to Corporate America! It doesn’t matter who you work for because you now have health insurance and a steady paycheck. This may not be your dream job but now you can get screened for sexual diseases in the comfort of your in-network doctor’s office. Life is good. This is your first corporate job and before you lay your clothes out to work like this is junior high, this is what you can expect in corporate America.

Fat Asses
A nice fat ass would probably make you think this is an article enforcing the joys of corporate America. This isn’t that kind of ass and that kind of article. I’m talking FAT asses. Asses so fat you could comfortably rest a champagne glass on it while he/she is standing. At first, that would be hilarious, but weird gi-normous asses have limited appeal like freak shows. These rumps might seem tempting to snack into like Christmas hams but the massive rolls accompanying them will make you feel like you’re raping the Michelin Man. The fat asses in corporate America are glaringly scary. If you’re a woman, expect to grow one of these. If you’re a man, settle someone down, quick.

Self-Loathing
As you go through the rounds of conversing with your new colleagues, you will see a common personality in every cube row. That character trait is self-loathing. Corporate America is full of people who hate themselves. Your smile will be chalked up to being the new guy, similar to the soft untarnished skin of a new inmate. Your coworkers have given up on being happy. You can spot a self-loather by the constant frown they have smacked across their face. If you ever ask them about their weekend, they drone on about their kids and the issues they had in taking care of them. The self-loather has the power to make you hate his/her life along with your own. Ironically, the self-loather lives by a quote about happiness. Sadly, they can’t live by it so everything is miserable on their end. As you see them each week, you can only hope that one Monday they won’t show up as their general outlook finally caused them to go down the road as opposed to across the river.

Irrational Decision Making
Let’s say you have a small business where the staff consists of six people. Your staff is needed for a business meeting located a hundred miles away. At most, you will need one laptop bag as everything is online these days. You are put in charge of providing transportation. If you rented a Greyhound bus for this business meeting, you would be fired. In corporate America, these types of foolish decisions are made every day. The money isn’t accounted for so the value of the employee’s worth is lost. For example, in your corporate job, you can expect to find an employee photocopying for 5 hours (at their pay rate of $20/hr) instead of outsourcing it to a copy shop for $35. It doesn’t make sense or dollars. You will see this everywhere. Don’t bother questioning your boss about irrational decision making because it would be the equivalent of whipping out your junk and peeing on a monkey, you will have your junk ripped off and handed to you. If you decide to say something, be sure your resume is polished to reflect your newly lost job. This is corporate America, you don’t ask questions.

Is it all that bad? Yes. I work in a corporate job and my only respite is a morning beat off session and imagining what it would be like to balance a glass of champagne on a fat ass. However, the hours of 9-5 don’t define me. If you value any semblance of your life, you will find a creative outlet that you can one day turn into a profit or a crippling drinking habit your future son can use to profit off as a tell all biography.

After graduation the last thing you think about is health insurance. That is, until you get sick. I’ve been working without health insurance for over two years and it has taught me a few tricks. Fortunately, the only pharmacist I see these days has his office on the corner of a shady block while hanging out with girls whose first names end in “iqua.”

We all had insurance in college because it came with tuition. Once I graduated, I had a false sense of security like when white guys think they could never get AIDS because their method of prevention before raw dogging a girl is asking if she ever slept with a black guy.

Recently, I was invited to a party at a friend’s place in Brooklyn. Wet behind the ears, I ventured to the land of hipsters. After the usual conversational bullshit, I was lured to the beer pong table the same way cokeheads have an instant attraction to tables with mirrors. The cups were already setup due to a pongflare. We loaded up and I brought more heat than a broken thermostat. Three games later, I was usurped by someone with state schooling but it couldn’t have come at a better time because women were starting to show up.

Unfortunately, hipster women are like a mixed bag of Hershey’s fun size bag minis. The Krackle and Good Bars are few and generally spoke for while the Plain Chocolates show up in mass amounts. The Dark Chocolates are left for the end of the night when you’re too drunk to tell the difference between nuts or rice but want some chocolate anyway.

Speaking of dark chocolate, I met a girl who wanted me to guess her name and instantly I thought about picking one of the hood rats my street pharmacist bangs. I shouldn’t have entertained this behavior because guessing names is for children but people were surrounding us as if I was in for a real treat. I guessed Michelle. She said her name was Obama. That was the extent of our conversation. My only thought was if Obama didn’t get reelected, she might as well off herself. I can only imagine twenty years from now, this trick’s husband would be introducing his wife and someone will reply, “Your wife was named after that black President?” I fixed myself something stronger and went to the balcony for a smoke. Little did I know I was being followed.

If you are ever given a choice between going downstairs or out to the fire escape for a smoke, get walking because anything short of a fire means you don’t have an escape route on a fire escape. As soon I lit up, a loose hygiene hipster approached me for a drag. He said he had been trying to quit. I knew he couldn’t afford cigarettes, let alone soap. I let him have a drag and he bored me about his dream to become a musician. I would have passed on the small talk but people who ask something from you have the self absorbed delusion to think minor conversation is an equal quid pro quo when in reality it is a waste of time. The rest of the night cycled through the same. Beer pong, boring people, and cigarettes on the fire escape fueled with beer until I woke up the next morning.

As you get older you get familiar with your body. You know when it works and when it does not. I woke up hung over as shit but something else wasn’t right. I was sick. I started to cycle through my night as to how this could possibly happen. I know I didn’t hookup because there was no one blowing me for breakfast. Nobody looked sick at the party. Sure some of them dressed funny, but it was hardly an excuse for being sick.

Then it sunk in – the beer pong and the shared cigarettes. If you don’t have insurance, you shouldn’t play beer pong. A mediocre night resulted in something I knew could be a throat infection. I ran to the medicine cabinet the same way women do to hide the crab cream. I took the typical drug cocktail – naproxen and vitamin C. I put on the teapot because I knew I would need to burn down this crap coating my throat. Doctors always recommend the salt water gargle but I had learned a thing or two from this kind of risky behavior. In addition, I grabbed a tea bag. If you add tea to the salt water mix it assists in opening and cleaning your throat. This was the climax of my fight back to healthy living. I needed water to flush out my system so I bought a one liter bottle and filled it with menthol cough drops. After sipping on it and keeping regular on my over the counter drugs, I was better by Monday morning. And that is how you get better when you’re sick without insurance. Seems quick? It’s because it works faster and harder than third world country kids who are eager to take your job for half the cost and one day weekends.

If you have any of your own home brewed remedies – feel free to share them in the comments section.

Gym memberships are like cell phones, everyone has one. The difference is, unlike a cell phone, most people don’t use the gym everyday. In a time when being money conscious is the least we can do to fund our nightly vices, here are alternatives to the gym that will leave you feeling healthier than a session with a colon cleanser or vacuum attachment (tough times).

Classes
Most people don’t understand the gym is betting against you. A year long contract means monthly payments deducted from your checking account. They already own you like you’re darker than the end of Roy G. Biv. It’s like college, even though you pay, you don’t have to show up. A gym that makes money needs a fraction of their clientele to show up while the rest pass to sit on their ass. It is the equivalent to fighting a Russian boxer in Russia, beating him, and suffering harrowing brain damage while your brother-in-law blows all your money. You can convince yourself that your gym membership is a step in the right direction but in the end, you’re losing. The alternative is classes. Any physical activity class needs you to show up or they won’t make money. In addition, they are mainly pro-rated so you can get your money back. You are their main source of marketing because a live demonstration of a kickboxing cardio workout looks weird. If they can’t work you out like that time you met that stranger in the Bahamas after you were cheated on, then no amount of ads in the Pennysaver is going to make a difference for the places that hold classes.

Portion Control
If you can’t manage to put that cupcake down, then no amount of gym time is going to save you. You can’t work off a Burger King meal with a forty-five minute workout. Most people aren’t actually hungry when they eat because food has become a common form of social interaction. People have been meeting over food for centuries. If you want to stay out of the gym, treat eating as a form of survival as opposed to an activity to pass the time. When the time comes to eat, pick up something remotely healthy. You’ll learn to realize that you require less than you expect when that apple quenches your pseudo hunger. In addition, you will learn to appreciate the taste of simplicity as if you were an Orthodox Jew who caught a view of some female ankle.

The World around You
There is this form of exercise that people have been using since the dawn of time. It’s called walking! You can get extra steps wherever you go. This shouldn’t be hard to figure out, stairs as opposed to the elevator or escalator, parking your car a little further away, or biking short distances as opposed to driving. It is interesting to note the gym charges you for all these activities. They are the stair master, treadmill, and stationary bike respectively. Combine these simple cardio exercises with some crunches and pushups and you will start to see the difference in your energy and general shape.

Since gyms have become the normal standard for exercise, those not part of one are inclined to do less about their well-bring. The world produced less fat people when gyms weren’t around. In addition, if your gym costs $50 a month, you are throwing $600 a year for a contract that doesn’t hold you accountable for your actions. Does this mean the gym is for nobody? No, the gym is for those who make it an integral part of their lives or those who were picked on by other children or those beaten by angry parents. The gym is actually niche specific, and if you can’t relate to what it was like to be touched in special places, then the gym isn’t for you.

Strange is best defined as random ass. This applies to women and men. If you’re considering getting back with your ex, grab your breasts (or balls) and hold tight because you’re going to find out why Strange is so much better.

Worn Out
Ever buy a pack of socks? How great does it feel to put on a fresh pair? Your feet feel incredible with each step. After you throw them in the wash, they never have that new sock feel they used to have. Some celebrities throw out their undershirts after the first use. You don’t have to live that same kind of lifestyle with your undergarments but you can with your ex. If you’ve been there, and hit that, you don’t need to go back for something familiar. The most exciting part about Strange is that it also new. It is like unwrapping a pair of pants on someone else for some ass you’ve never seen before.

New Car Smell
There are thousands different colognes and perfumes in this world. Why should you choose one? It’s puzzling how people stay on the same scent for years on end. Scent is the strongest tie to memory, so shouldn’t you sniff all you can? The scent of a man (or woman) can be intoxicating. Between diet, deodorant choices, and cologne, people can smell so incredible and different at the same time. Build your memory and smell the possibilities of Strange!

Got Investments?
Do you have a child with you ex? Were you married and sharing a business? If not, then you have no investment towards your ex. You don’t owe him (or her) anything. The only obligation you have is finding yourself some Strange to forget all those stupid fights. Those nights you spent on the cell phone arguing over nothing call all be forgiven with some Strange. Strange is that opposite sex friend with a massive piece (or tits) that will listen to every complaint and then bang you for good measure. Strange don’t judge baby, Strange don’t judge!

Numbers don’t lie!
There are fifteen people born every five seconds. If half of them are men, then you have chance of meeting someone out of the 47,304,000 born every year! If that isn’t a reason to get some Strange, what else are you waiting for? Whether you believe in a soul mate or not doesn’t count, shacking up with two (first one being your ex) out of forty-seven million can’t be that hard.

Listen to the Music
If you haven’t listened to anything resembling a song in the past year, you might need to invest in a radio. Most love related songs talk about some bad experience involving an ex. Kanye West has released multiple hit songs about a girl cheating on him, her regretting it, and him sipping on Goose. It isn’t the top shelf vodka that is causing the demand for his music, it’s the hurt. As Fallout Boy once said

And I want these words to make things right, but it’s the wrongs that make the words come to life.

Quoting a mediocre band isn’t how this article should end, so get some Strange and make it right (or bitch about it in the comment section)