Mean Rubber

Photo byDoug88888

Dear Julia,

I am sorry I made everything so awkward the other night when we were watching Rock of Love Bus and you were laughing and I tried to kiss you and then pretended like it was nothing before I kinda ran outta your house crying. I am kinda kooky like that sometimes…lol…

I understand and am totally cool with the fact that you don’t want to date me. Your friendship is as valuable to me as it is to you, and I sincerely mean that. Although it will be very difficult for me to sweep aside the way I feel about you Read more…

Photo by Katie Tegtmeyer

All guys are assholes. Wait; comment if you’ve heard this one before.

Now, if we (as men) are to assume, for the sake of argument, that all guys, are indeed assholes, is it ok if we just kinda accept that and roll with it? Like, “ok, fair enough, but only because we don’t respect women because you’re all idiots”. Would that be a fair trade off? Because I’m kinda willing to negotiate an armistice in the battle of the sexes here. Read more…

Photo by doug88888

As I write this on the computer in my parent’s basement, still drunk from last night’s wedding, I have to wonder, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? The events of the last twenty four hours are not quite clear. It’s a little hazy. It started with me strolling into work, hungover.

You see, I recently moved. To avoid further shenanigans that have occurred over the last five years, I moved into a rather large apartment that was specifically not, “a party house”. We all agreed. Turns out, our definition of “a non party house” simply means not inviting thirty people from the bar. Instead, we rather quietly all drink together. It’s been less than a week and we have ten milk crates of empties we’re saving to recycle and buy toilet paper. Two roommates killed six thirty racks of PBR in six days. At this rate, we’ll pay the rent instead. Read more…

Photo by Foxtongue

In honor of my successful avoidance of the dating scene, it’s time to reminisce upon some of my classic fuck ups over the years.  Once again, the events here actually occurred, but the name of the girls will be left out to spare her any embarrassment so that she can safely deny ever dating me.

From time to time, someone I’ll come across will ask that always-intriguing question, “Why are you single?”  Well, besides being an asshole and lacking any fashion sense, I have less game than a Jamaican bobsled team.

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Photo by acloudman

Have you ever shared an infinitesimal moment with a stranger that you’ve still managed to hold on to with the greatest tenacity, despite its brevity? Did even a fleeting glimpse across a café leave you feeling tender in the cockles? Do you lie awake at night, wondering where you would be if only you had asked him/her out to lunch or even mustered up a “Hello”? I’ve had a few of these lost connections in the past, but rather than letting them disappear forever, I would like to use this opportunity to try to rekindle such timeless bonds. Read more…

Photo by Alex E. Proimos

It’s such a shame there are so many homeless populating the streets of NYC- well, for them. I look at it as free entertainment while I wait for my late-night train home. While the masturbating Chinese she-he with pigtails and red scrunchies entertains the N line and the toothless, pole-dancing, old black man entertains the W, my heart belongs to another. It was a warm summer night and I was exhausted and patiently waiting for the train.

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Photo by Segundos

In 1991, getting porn was mission impossible. I remember the concept of a naked woman first being introduced to me at elementary school. A broken home kid would bring in a porno magazine to share with other children who would give him more attention than his alcoholic father would when he wasn’t “tucking” him in at night. We all gathered around this kid as a gang of horny hooligans eager to catch a glimpse of a titty or two. I remember running home to see if my family had a collection of porn I could rummage through. Unfortunately, my parents kept their stash well hidden like Columbian dealers straight out the fields of Bogotá.

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Photo by Sinabeet

Strange is best defined as random ass. This applies to women and men. If you’re considering getting back with your ex, grab your breasts (or balls) and hold tight because you’re going to find out why Strange is so much better.

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Photo by LDRBRS

We’ve all gotten sex advice, some good, some bad, and lots of it is easy to ignore on the basis that “it will never happen to me.” I can say that the heat of passion has led me down the path of ignorance on more than one occasion, and quite frankly I’m still breathing.  Because you are likely as hardheaded and incompetent as me when it comes to ignoring the immediate gravitational pull of your penis, I will offer firsthand advice that I trust will prove invaluable to anyone on the where, when, and why of fornication. Should you ever find yourself in these situations, don’t do what I did:

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Photo by jimwhimpey

So, I’ve pretty much been rocking out with food poisoning for the last day and a half, and it’s been moderately awful. Needless to say, I needed a break at work today.

Mondays are typically awful, but Monday after two consecutive nights of drinking past 3am is a little more like a volunteer proctology job at a sex offender facility. Suddenly my weekend dietary schedule of consuming nothing but beer, vodka, and whiskey until a Sunday afternoon filled with buffalo chicken and eggs didn’t seem like such a great idea. So I went to my safe haven.

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