You got the confirmation. Welcome to Corporate America! It doesn’t matter who you work for because you now have health insurance and a steady paycheck. This may not be your dream job but now you can get screened for sexual diseases in the comfort of your in-network doctor’s office. Life is good. This is your first corporate job and before you lay your clothes out to work like this is junior high, this is what you can expect in corporate America.

Fat Asses
A nice fat ass would probably make you think this is an article enforcing the joys of corporate America. This isn’t that kind of ass and that kind of article. I’m talking FAT asses. Asses so fat you could comfortably rest a champagne glass on it while he/she is standing. At first, that would be hilarious, but weird gi-normous asses have limited appeal like freak shows. These rumps might seem tempting to snack into like Christmas hams but the massive rolls accompanying them will make you feel like you’re raping the Michelin Man. The fat asses in corporate America are glaringly scary. If you’re a woman, expect to grow one of these. If you’re a man, settle someone down, quick.

Self-Loathing
As you go through the rounds of conversing with your new colleagues, you will see a common personality in every cube row. That character trait is self-loathing. Corporate America is full of people who hate themselves. Your smile will be chalked up to being the new guy, similar to the soft untarnished skin of a new inmate. Your coworkers have given up on being happy. You can spot a self-loather by the constant frown they have smacked across their face. If you ever ask them about their weekend, they drone on about their kids and the issues they had in taking care of them. The self-loather has the power to make you hate his/her life along with your own. Ironically, the self-loather lives by a quote about happiness. Sadly, they can’t live by it so everything is miserable on their end. As you see them each week, you can only hope that one Monday they won’t show up as their general outlook finally caused them to go down the road as opposed to across the river.

Irrational Decision Making
Let’s say you have a small business where the staff consists of six people. Your staff is needed for a business meeting located a hundred miles away. At most, you will need one laptop bag as everything is online these days. You are put in charge of providing transportation. If you rented a Greyhound bus for this business meeting, you would be fired. In corporate America, these types of foolish decisions are made every day. The money isn’t accounted for so the value of the employee’s worth is lost. For example, in your corporate job, you can expect to find an employee photocopying for 5 hours (at their pay rate of $20/hr) instead of outsourcing it to a copy shop for $35. It doesn’t make sense or dollars. You will see this everywhere. Don’t bother questioning your boss about irrational decision making because it would be the equivalent of whipping out your junk and peeing on a monkey, you will have your junk ripped off and handed to you. If you decide to say something, be sure your resume is polished to reflect your newly lost job. This is corporate America, you don’t ask questions.

Is it all that bad? Yes. I work in a corporate job and my only respite is a morning beat off session and imagining what it would be like to balance a glass of champagne on a fat ass. However, the hours of 9-5 don’t define me. If you value any semblance of your life, you will find a creative outlet that you can one day turn into a profit or a crippling drinking habit your future son can use to profit off as a tell all biography.

In 1991, getting porn was mission impossible. I remember the concept of a naked woman first being introduced to me at elementary school. A broken home kid would bring in a porno magazine to share with other children who would give him more attention than his alcoholic father would when he wasn’t “tucking” him in at night. We all gathered around this kid as a gang of horny hooligans eager to catch a glimpse of a titty or two. I remember running home to see if my family had a collection of porn I could rummage through. Unfortunately, my parents kept their stash well hidden like Columbian dealers straight out the fields of Bogotá.

If your parents didn’t have a lock n key library, you were left to find whether your friend’s parents were into that kink shit with whatever reading material they left hidden in their closets. If not, you had to venture out in the world to seek out a perverted shopkeeper who didn’t mind selling to minors. You could tell how the situation was going to go down by simply observing the merchant. He had to have one of those faces greasier than the before picture for Proactiv. If the three foot radius around him had a peculiar scent similar to salt water, you were in good business. If he used deodorant that meant your journey was only beginning.

It was always good to play out your personal Cuban Missile Crisis by waiting to see how other underage patrons would fare. The rookie mistake, as some of us have experienced, has been blowing your milk money on the porn three pack only to get stiffed with a black and white porn magazine. Another indication of a loose morale porn merchant would be the grave yard of broken masturbatory dreams in the form of black and white porn magazines rotting in a nearby parking lot or abandoned field.

Fast forward five years when Al Gore perfected the internet and we were cyber sexing balding men on America Online during the day while downloading porn clips at night. Believe or not, this was the golden age of porn. You had to put in a little elbow grease to find porn but it was worth it. Porn videos in the later 90s were circulating the internet like Tupac post-death tapes in southern California. These were the days was when I would sleep over a friend’s house, play video games till dawn, and conclude my slumber party by shorts of Submissive Sluts 4 at 7am. Till this day, I never found out how the patient was cured of his raging hard on but dear Evan Stone, I can imagine.

Everyone else’s porn downloading days varied by client but they all ended the same, gratified by a two minute clip that involved having to sit through a story line leading up genitalia screen time. This is where it all ended.

Porn today is lightning fast. Nowadays, you can skip the subtleties of a camera zooming in on a can of Crisco grease with a woman saying, “You know what its good for,” and rubbing it in her ass and go right to the facial. In addition, nothing is shocking. How sad is our current state that Two Girls One Cup was shocking at first but has opened the door to shit fetish videos? Horse porn has become old hat. These days you need a transvestite midget with dildos as a bikini jerking off a tiny tea cup poodle for you to look to the left and go, “oh hey porn.”

We have to go back to simpler times where sex didn’t involve interspecies or vegetable relations. We need to be keeping our animals in zoos and our cucumbers in crispers. They should be left out of the bedroom. I’m not one for a conservative sexual lifestyle but isn’t it enough when the only thing that is going to get you off is a middle aged Asian woman with a mastectomy and a peg leg. Sex between people, regardless of gender, is looking a lot better than banging Mr. Ed (plus – he already had his fifteen minutes).

Let’s go back to foreplay by showing an ankle as opposed to going ass to mouth. The extremes have gotten out of hand to the point where a burka is something I’d welcome as opposed to a sloppy bukaki organized by bored Japanese businessmen. If this kind of dark exploration continues, the future of man will eventually become sterile as it will take more than three fingers to milk a man.

The finger tips alone are filled with thousands of nerve endings. Instead of numbly clicking on goat dick pictures, make an excuse to (appropriately) touch someone you’re attracted to and recall on the immense pleasure you received. After all, humanity depends on you.

After graduation the last thing you think about is health insurance. That is, until you get sick. I’ve been working without health insurance for over two years and it has taught me a few tricks. Fortunately, the only pharmacist I see these days has his office on the corner of a shady block while hanging out with girls whose first names end in “iqua.”

We all had insurance in college because it came with tuition. Once I graduated, I had a false sense of security like when white guys think they could never get AIDS because their method of prevention before raw dogging a girl is asking if she ever slept with a black guy.

Recently, I was invited to a party at a friend’s place in Brooklyn. Wet behind the ears, I ventured to the land of hipsters. After the usual conversational bullshit, I was lured to the beer pong table the same way cokeheads have an instant attraction to tables with mirrors. The cups were already setup due to a pongflare. We loaded up and I brought more heat than a broken thermostat. Three games later, I was usurped by someone with state schooling but it couldn’t have come at a better time because women were starting to show up.

Unfortunately, hipster women are like a mixed bag of Hershey’s fun size bag minis. The Krackle and Good Bars are few and generally spoke for while the Plain Chocolates show up in mass amounts. The Dark Chocolates are left for the end of the night when you’re too drunk to tell the difference between nuts or rice but want some chocolate anyway.

Speaking of dark chocolate, I met a girl who wanted me to guess her name and instantly I thought about picking one of the hood rats my street pharmacist bangs. I shouldn’t have entertained this behavior because guessing names is for children but people were surrounding us as if I was in for a real treat. I guessed Michelle. She said her name was Obama. That was the extent of our conversation. My only thought was if Obama didn’t get reelected, she might as well off herself. I can only imagine twenty years from now, this trick’s husband would be introducing his wife and someone will reply, “Your wife was named after that black President?” I fixed myself something stronger and went to the balcony for a smoke. Little did I know I was being followed.

If you are ever given a choice between going downstairs or out to the fire escape for a smoke, get walking because anything short of a fire means you don’t have an escape route on a fire escape. As soon I lit up, a loose hygiene hipster approached me for a drag. He said he had been trying to quit. I knew he couldn’t afford cigarettes, let alone soap. I let him have a drag and he bored me about his dream to become a musician. I would have passed on the small talk but people who ask something from you have the self absorbed delusion to think minor conversation is an equal quid pro quo when in reality it is a waste of time. The rest of the night cycled through the same. Beer pong, boring people, and cigarettes on the fire escape fueled with beer until I woke up the next morning.

As you get older you get familiar with your body. You know when it works and when it does not. I woke up hung over as shit but something else wasn’t right. I was sick. I started to cycle through my night as to how this could possibly happen. I know I didn’t hookup because there was no one blowing me for breakfast. Nobody looked sick at the party. Sure some of them dressed funny, but it was hardly an excuse for being sick.

Then it sunk in – the beer pong and the shared cigarettes. If you don’t have insurance, you shouldn’t play beer pong. A mediocre night resulted in something I knew could be a throat infection. I ran to the medicine cabinet the same way women do to hide the crab cream. I took the typical drug cocktail – naproxen and vitamin C. I put on the teapot because I knew I would need to burn down this crap coating my throat. Doctors always recommend the salt water gargle but I had learned a thing or two from this kind of risky behavior. In addition, I grabbed a tea bag. If you add tea to the salt water mix it assists in opening and cleaning your throat. This was the climax of my fight back to healthy living. I needed water to flush out my system so I bought a one liter bottle and filled it with menthol cough drops. After sipping on it and keeping regular on my over the counter drugs, I was better by Monday morning. And that is how you get better when you’re sick without insurance. Seems quick? It’s because it works faster and harder than third world country kids who are eager to take your job for half the cost and one day weekends.

If you have any of your own home brewed remedies – feel free to share them in the comments section.

Gym memberships are like cell phones, everyone has one. The difference is, unlike a cell phone, most people don’t use the gym everyday. In a time when being money conscious is the least we can do to fund our nightly vices, here are alternatives to the gym that will leave you feeling healthier than a session with a colon cleanser or vacuum attachment (tough times).

Classes
Most people don’t understand the gym is betting against you. A year long contract means monthly payments deducted from your checking account. They already own you like you’re darker than the end of Roy G. Biv. It’s like college, even though you pay, you don’t have to show up. A gym that makes money needs a fraction of their clientele to show up while the rest pass to sit on their ass. It is the equivalent to fighting a Russian boxer in Russia, beating him, and suffering harrowing brain damage while your brother-in-law blows all your money. You can convince yourself that your gym membership is a step in the right direction but in the end, you’re losing. The alternative is classes. Any physical activity class needs you to show up or they won’t make money. In addition, they are mainly pro-rated so you can get your money back. You are their main source of marketing because a live demonstration of a kickboxing cardio workout looks weird. If they can’t work you out like that time you met that stranger in the Bahamas after you were cheated on, then no amount of ads in the Pennysaver is going to make a difference for the places that hold classes.

Portion Control
If you can’t manage to put that cupcake down, then no amount of gym time is going to save you. You can’t work off a Burger King meal with a forty-five minute workout. Most people aren’t actually hungry when they eat because food has become a common form of social interaction. People have been meeting over food for centuries. If you want to stay out of the gym, treat eating as a form of survival as opposed to an activity to pass the time. When the time comes to eat, pick up something remotely healthy. You’ll learn to realize that you require less than you expect when that apple quenches your pseudo hunger. In addition, you will learn to appreciate the taste of simplicity as if you were an Orthodox Jew who caught a view of some female ankle.

The World around You
There is this form of exercise that people have been using since the dawn of time. It’s called walking! You can get extra steps wherever you go. This shouldn’t be hard to figure out, stairs as opposed to the elevator or escalator, parking your car a little further away, or biking short distances as opposed to driving. It is interesting to note the gym charges you for all these activities. They are the stair master, treadmill, and stationary bike respectively. Combine these simple cardio exercises with some crunches and pushups and you will start to see the difference in your energy and general shape.

Since gyms have become the normal standard for exercise, those not part of one are inclined to do less about their well-bring. The world produced less fat people when gyms weren’t around. In addition, if your gym costs $50 a month, you are throwing $600 a year for a contract that doesn’t hold you accountable for your actions. Does this mean the gym is for nobody? No, the gym is for those who make it an integral part of their lives or those who were picked on by other children or those beaten by angry parents. The gym is actually niche specific, and if you can’t relate to what it was like to be touched in special places, then the gym isn’t for you.

Strange is best defined as random ass. This applies to women and men. If you’re considering getting back with your ex, grab your breasts (or balls) and hold tight because you’re going to find out why Strange is so much better.

Worn Out
Ever buy a pack of socks? How great does it feel to put on a fresh pair? Your feet feel incredible with each step. After you throw them in the wash, they never have that new sock feel they used to have. Some celebrities throw out their undershirts after the first use. You don’t have to live that same kind of lifestyle with your undergarments but you can with your ex. If you’ve been there, and hit that, you don’t need to go back for something familiar. The most exciting part about Strange is that it also new. It is like unwrapping a pair of pants on someone else for some ass you’ve never seen before.

New Car Smell
There are thousands different colognes and perfumes in this world. Why should you choose one? It’s puzzling how people stay on the same scent for years on end. Scent is the strongest tie to memory, so shouldn’t you sniff all you can? The scent of a man (or woman) can be intoxicating. Between diet, deodorant choices, and cologne, people can smell so incredible and different at the same time. Build your memory and smell the possibilities of Strange!

Got Investments?
Do you have a child with you ex? Were you married and sharing a business? If not, then you have no investment towards your ex. You don’t owe him (or her) anything. The only obligation you have is finding yourself some Strange to forget all those stupid fights. Those nights you spent on the cell phone arguing over nothing call all be forgiven with some Strange. Strange is that opposite sex friend with a massive piece (or tits) that will listen to every complaint and then bang you for good measure. Strange don’t judge baby, Strange don’t judge!

Numbers don’t lie!
There are fifteen people born every five seconds. If half of them are men, then you have chance of meeting someone out of the 47,304,000 born every year! If that isn’t a reason to get some Strange, what else are you waiting for? Whether you believe in a soul mate or not doesn’t count, shacking up with two (first one being your ex) out of forty-seven million can’t be that hard.

Listen to the Music
If you haven’t listened to anything resembling a song in the past year, you might need to invest in a radio. Most love related songs talk about some bad experience involving an ex. Kanye West has released multiple hit songs about a girl cheating on him, her regretting it, and him sipping on Goose. It isn’t the top shelf vodka that is causing the demand for his music, it’s the hurt. As Fallout Boy once said

And I want these words to make things right, but it’s the wrongs that make the words come to life.

Quoting a mediocre band isn’t how this article should end, so get some Strange and make it right (or bitch about it in the comment section)

Nothing is more enraging than environmentalists today. As some have fought the war on terror abroad, these “green soldiers” (hippies, vegans, general lame asses) have taken it upon themselves to fight the war on global warming. They have been pushing their crappy agenda and lifestyle on others for years now. Along with recycling and saving the environment, they want us all to get along and be nice to one another. That’s where I draw the line. Being green shouldn’t have anything to do with being nice. You can save the earth and still be a jerk!

Recycling
The forefront of this war on global warming is all about recycling. These bastards yammer on the importance of recycling like abusive dads hammer on their infant kids. They claim it’s to help preserve this earth. It doesn’t make sense since recycling machines also consume power but let’s pretend it’s practical. Grab your beer cans and make your way down to the recycling center. If one of these hippies should compliment you on your “part,” tell him you’re going to use your refund money to fuel the Hummer you drove in and spray the air with vintage cans of hairspray you bought off E Bay. Let’s see if they can put that in their bowl and smoke it.

Plastic Bags
We’ve all been grocery shopping. When you come home, you have the stuff you want and a whole crap load of bags that you would never use on a daily basis. Plastic bags are book bags for kids getting their G.E.D. Unless you’re that much of a failure that you couldn’t pass high school, you don’t need the extra junk in your life. Carrying your quart of milk and store brand frosted flakes doesn’t require a bag. If you decided to pop for the mac and cheese, it is a lot easier to use your book bag than to deal with useless plastic. Of course you don’t need to be told about being sensible. However, should someone comment you on your green effort, be sure to tell them you are fully stocked on plastic bags that you plan on dropping off individually in the infant ward at the local hospital. That should crap in their twiggy cereal.

Bio Degradable Waste
Greenies are all about compost piles and other ways to get rid of disposable waste. You would never catch them shitting in their compost pile – apparently that is still taboo. You will catch them suffering diarrhea of the mouth with pride about how they are making an effort. If you want to seal their red eyed mouths shut, tell them you dispose of your bio degradable waste because you’d rather not deal with the low rent assholes that work at major home repair shops. One of them claims that “you can do it, we can help” but they forgot to mention that they will only help you if the boss is around or you can catch them while they purposely ignore you. Another claims “let’s build something together,” but forgets to mention that something is a giant warehouse of apathy towards life. Either way, you’re not serving some crappy chain with your patience and wallet. To hell with you both! I’ll find those damn quarter inch screws on my own.

All these tree hugging fools deserve to be fed acorns sprinkled with cyanide. The way they preach about helping Mother Nature is complete nonsense. If anything, people should be at odds with Mother Nature. After all Mother Nature is a terrorist! When Katrina happened, people blamed the weathermen for not warning them in time. If anything, it was Mother Nature’s fault for being such a bitch. You don’t have to be green to do that tramp a favor. And you don’t have to serve people’s hippie bullshit either. Recycle, reuse and abuse -also be sure to punch a baby and scream racial epithets as well!

As you enter the working world, the language you are accustomed to using in an email will be replaced with politically correct business terms.  Here are five terms you should understand before clicking send.

We’ll Discuss
This term is usually handed down from a superior. Despite being two simple words meaning conversation there will be no discussion.  Instead, your boss will be yelling at you in the near future.  The only words that will come out of your mouth will be “okay” with a side of “my apologies” to finalize the point that you are the one on the bottom and your boss is on top of you more than an ugly hairdo at the Lemon Tree.  Ebonics Translation: “Eh mothafucka, next time I see you, Imma make you hold mah pocket”

Thanks in Advance
The beauty about this term is that it is two fold in its meaning.  The sender is expecting the recipient to get the task at hand done.  In addition, the recipient better not expect a conclusive thank you as this formality has already been handled like receiving fellatio before but not after intercourse.  This term is generally reserved for pricks who think they are too important to take the time to thank someone and people who punch their kids without reason.  Ebonics Translation: “Jus get dis shit done already.”

Going forward
You will quickly learn that everyone in the corporate world is looking out for themselves; this expression is the no fault clause people enact when they don’t want to take the blame like Nazis sneaking into the United States after WWII. It is a way of setting a new rule for something you had no idea about in the first place.  When someone drops this bullshit, sit back and realize that you aren’t to blame. If they don’t cover their ass with this nonsense in an email, they will have two tickets to a shit show they will gladly take you to.  Ebonics Translation: “Eh yo, dis is how is gonna be”

Despite the forgoing
In the real world, this doesn’t exist. In the corporate world, this phrase is used more than that box of tissues next to your friend’s bed which he claims is for blowing his nose but you haven’t seen him catch a cold in the eight years you’ve known him.  Scan every long email towards the bottom from this saying on as a means of saving you time. You can safely ignore everything said before this business colloquialism (which is 95% of the email) and use the 5% as the answer you are looking for.  Ebonics Translation: “Imma do me, son”

Please Advise
If you have no idea what is going on, this term will get you clarification like the doctor saying, “everything came out positive, except the AIDS test because it was negative in a good way” If something was supposed to get done and you need to send out a second email, this is the politically correct way of asking that this should be taken care of as soon as possible like an abortion or mailing out the utility bill. This term is closely related to the widely used net term, “wtf?” Ebonics Translation: “Let a brother/bitch know! Aight?”

It is guaranteed you will encounter one of these five phrases every time you open your email inbox.  If they make their way into your normal conversation and you don’t feel like sucking down 9mm, then you can safely embrace the fact you will be a successful corporate drone. If they don’t, you might have some shred of a personality that is greater than corporate email.  Either way, welcome to your inbox! The only box worse than your coffin.

The bar scene changes nightly, but you can always expect to run into one of these five people. They can either enhance or ruin your night.  So whetheryou’re a guy or a girl, we’re here to  provide you with a short summary of what each one of these people will mean to you should you decide to partake in the pleasure of your their company.

Striped Shirt Guy

We’ve all read about the striped shirt but with today’s crazy fashions, the striped shirt guy might be the type to rely on when things get ugly or the night gets late.

To Guys:
If you aren’t wearing one yourself, you can always rely on these guys to act civil. Some of them might be cock blockers, but on the whole they are always down for random commentary/cheers. You can expect striped shirt guy to get cozy with you by the end of the night. This signifies he has struck out and it looking for any company. If you feel you’ve gotten too friendly, you can always throw in a “no homo” for your safe measure.

To Girls:
These guys are as reliable as their wardrobe. Everything about them is average; whether personality, looks, or financial status. You can easily take any one of these guys home without judgment (even Jesus approves!) Striped shirt guy takes what he can get while paying for it. They will buy you a drink and not slip anything in them.

The Short Big-Tittied Girl

This is the shortest girl out of any crew of girls. She lets it all hang outside, whether it’s her commentary on people or her breasts. She may class it up and put the ladies away from time to time but you know they are there, like dark colored folk in the night.

To Girls:
If you’re her friend, you’re in the clear. If not, she will not hesitate to call you a bitch to your face. The short big-titty girl never roams alone and some of her friends are hood enough to come after you. If you’re her height, try the other end of the bar. If you’re taller, try not to rest your drink on her head or you might find yourself at her eye level.

To Guys:
This girl is a firecracker. Her fuse matches her height and she won’t take shit from nobody. If you can’t hang with her attitude, you won’t be able to hang with her. This girl will expect you to keep the conversation flowing like the drink you will have to buy her. Pay to play and you might find yourselves with some titties in ya face!

The Meathead

This is the guy who spent too much time in the gym during high school to try to eliminate the pain of elementary school. You can tell he spent his later years working out by how small his ears are. If they are disproportionate to the body, molestation/broken family is the case.

To Guys:
This guy is nothing but trouble. If you’re not rolling with him, he will not hesitate to roll up to you and try to fight. You can find the Meathead hanging with other meatheads in what is called a bro-curve. They will wear brands like Affliction and Ed Hardy. They don’t take compliments at all. Unless you have coke or more steroids, these tards don’t want you standing in the way of them pounding shots of Jack and sipping on Bud Lights. They go out with the purpose of making others feel like crap so they can brag to their boys in between sets at the gym during the day and again at night between bouts of raging gay sex.

To Girls:
Erectile dysfunction. Steroids are a bitch, aren’t they?

The Semi-Chunk/Pretty Girl

This is the girl who almost always wears a black top with blue jeans. That is how she hides it till you lose your fingers in her rolls like a baker does with fresh dough.

To Girls:
You are probably bringing one of these girls to the bar with your other lady friends. She will probably do a decent job of bringing guys around and drinking like one of the dudes. She is not afraid to get low and you look much prettier next to her. You’ll be talking about the next morning with sentences starting like “I just liked how (Insert girl’s name) was so crazy last night… blah blah”

To Guys:
This girl will buy her own drink. She is not afraid to buy you a drink either. She has the tolerance of a fish and expects the same from you. The goal is to NOT hook up with her. She is easy to hook up with at the end of the night because she turns into a prom queen that will blow you. The temptation is easy to let her snack on your meat while you watch like a voyeur to your own penis. Stay focused! Swim upstream like the salmon you are because if you can hang with her, you shall enter the promise land of her much hotter friends who will be clawing at you bear style.

Me

Your lovable lanky bastard scented with the slight smell of cigarettes, curry, and deodorant. If can’t smell me, you will hear my nonsensical screams consisting of either “what?” or “my dick hurts!”

To Guys:
I rock the jeans with the converse so don’t worry if you step on my shoes. I’m looking to pirate cheer with anyone willing to get as mangled as me. If you can hang and keep my interest (no homo), then I’ll even buy you a drink so we can both get trashed on our way to Mangladesh (being drunk)

To Girls:
The best conversation you’ll ever have with a stranger. Setting myself up for disappointment? Perhaps, but it won’t compare to what is coming your way should you take me home for a night of boom boom in yo’ room. Two minutes of mind blowing pleasure with added tears for lubrication.

Be sure to keep this article in your back pocket. You and your friends could spot the trends and avoid (or approach) as necessary. If there are any people I missed, feel free to tell us about them in the comment section. We respond faster than pregnancy tests.