Mean Rubber

Photo by Katie Tegtmeyer

All guys are assholes. Wait; comment if you’ve heard this one before.

Now, if we (as men) are to assume, for the sake of argument, that all guys, are indeed assholes, is it ok if we just kinda accept that and roll with it? Like, “ok, fair enough, but only because we don’t respect women because you’re all idiots”. Would that be a fair trade off? Because I’m kinda willing to negotiate an armistice in the battle of the sexes here.

Let me be pretty clear about one thing, it’s not so much that I have the balls to say these sort of things because I’m single, but rather, I’m single because I have the balls to say this.

A couple of months ago, I profoundly expressed my excitement and unyielding anticipation at another “Fast and the Furious” movie. This was much to the dislike of my mom, female friends, female coworkers, my one friend who refuses to come out of the closet, and anything else that has a vagina or wish they had a vagina.

The basis is the sheer “stupidity” of the films, which I find pretty gaddam appealing. What do I expect in one of these movies? Badass cars, short skirts, and fist fights. Let me tell ya, the new one hit on all three. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Now what I find odd about this whole situation, is the uproar from the same group that watch “the Hills” and actually saw “Sex and The City” in the movie theaters because its “such a good show”. What the?

Ladies, a collection of moderately attractive, “independent” women, living in a city with jobs well-paying enough to support their fashion gluttony isn’t any more realistic than Vin Diesel hijacking trucks.

The difference between me and women on this issue is not that I “just don’t understand it”, but rather, I’m self aware enough to understand that the shit I’m watching is just that, SHIT.

You know what’s unrealistic? Me having biceps like Diesel and abs like Ryan Reynolds. You know what else is unrealistic? Independent, self-supporting women. Now it’s not the self-supporting part that gets me, it’s the “independent” part. Every girl I’ve ever met has been just as emotionally needy as your average puppy from Michael Vick’s Petland. If they were really so independent, why the hell do they sit around bitching about relationships?

Well, you see, its because they can’t be alone. Most women are either in a relationship, looking for a relationship, or looking for another relationship as a way out of their current relationship. I’m not denying that there aren’t a good number of women who are single for a good amount of time. These are typically the ones with “standards”. Or as I like to say, every car dealership has that Yugo they just can’t sell.

The real independent women are the ones that understand “equality”. Remember now, you gals wanted equality. Ya’ll wanted to be big girls, work, vote, nail whoever you want, and live your own lives. I certainly think you have a right to it. What I don’t get is why the hell you keep wondering why guys don’t open doors, ask you out on dates, or buy you flowers anymore.

Well, once again ladies, equality. Ya’ll wanted it, ya’ll got it. Now we treat most of you just as good as our dipshit buddies. Ain’t it grand? Just remember, you fought for it, not us.

What’s that? You want romance? Chivalry? Flowers? Surprise dates? You want to be taken out for dinner? No problem sweetheart. Just remember, back then, we paid for dinner all the time, but half the time we ordered for you. You want to venture back to the good old romantic days? Fine, no sweat off my ball sack, but I get home at five, so a blowjob by 5:15 and dinner by 6:00 sweet tits.

The reality is that a large percentage of you have cornered yourself into an un-fulfilling situation.  You want all the benefits of equality but you really don’t want all the work.  Very few of you actually want to go to war or deal with any of the hardship.  As far as I know, women aren’t allowed to fight on the front lines (although right now anyone there might as well be on the front line).  Women still don’t register for the selective service system and it appears the only group that’s ever challenged the constitutionality of that was a group of men.  Sure as hell wasn’t any “I am woman hear me roar” in that courtroom huh?

It’s no secret why I’m single. As ya’ll so consistently point out, like all men, I’m an asshole. Unfortunately for ya’ll, I tend to be an asshole who’s able to win arguments with you. Yep, I’m that guy. The one who defies that “it’s ok for a women to be angry without explanation” philosophy. Half the time I’d be willing to bet that a good percentage of you start arguments just to see if there’s any spine in us. Hell, I’m sure it’s nice to see a little bit of passion once in awhile.

You see, the irony of the situation is that while I’ve pissed off an untold number of women, a good percentage of these women I’ve still managed to get in the sack, or, to be perfectly fair, they’ve managed to get me in the sack. Despite the overwhelming anger in the room, we’ve managed to have some mind blowing sex. Hell, the angry and crazy girls are the best. Especially the one that broke the lights in my ceiling that one time. Call me an idiot, call me an asshole, but ya’ll keep coming back to us.