Mean Rubber

Photo by Glennharper

The bar scene changes nightly, but you can always expect to run into one of these five people. They can either enhance or ruin your night.  So whetheryou’re a guy or a girl, we’re here to  provide you with a short summary of what each one of these people will mean to you should you decide to partake in the pleasure of your their company.

Striped Shirt Guy

We’ve all read about the striped shirt but with today’s crazy fashions, the striped shirt guy might be the type to rely on when things get ugly or the night gets late.

To Guys:
If you aren’t wearing one yourself, you can always rely on these guys to act civil. Some of them might be cock blockers, but on the whole they are always down for random commentary/cheers. You can expect striped shirt guy to get cozy with you by the end of the night. This signifies he has struck out and it looking for any company. If you feel you’ve gotten too friendly, you can always throw in a “no homo” for your safe measure.

To Girls:
These guys are as reliable as their wardrobe. Everything about them is average; whether personality, looks, or financial status. You can easily take any one of these guys home without judgment (even Jesus approves!) Striped shirt guy takes what he can get while paying for it. They will buy you a drink and not slip anything in them.

The Short Big-Tittied Girl

This is the shortest girl out of any crew of girls. She lets it all hang outside, whether it’s her commentary on people or her breasts. She may class it up and put the ladies away from time to time but you know they are there, like dark colored folk in the night.

To Girls:
If you’re her friend, you’re in the clear. If not, she will not hesitate to call you a bitch to your face. The short big-titty girl never roams alone and some of her friends are hood enough to come after you. If you’re her height, try the other end of the bar. If you’re taller, try not to rest your drink on her head or you might find yourself at her eye level.

To Guys:
This girl is a firecracker. Her fuse matches her height and she won’t take shit from nobody. If you can’t hang with her attitude, you won’t be able to hang with her. This girl will expect you to keep the conversation flowing like the drink you will have to buy her. Pay to play and you might find yourselves with some titties in ya face!

The Meathead

This is the guy who spent too much time in the gym during high school to try to eliminate the pain of elementary school. You can tell he spent his later years working out by how small his ears are. If they are disproportionate to the body, molestation/broken family is the case.

To Guys:
This guy is nothing but trouble. If you’re not rolling with him, he will not hesitate to roll up to you and try to fight. You can find the Meathead hanging with other meatheads in what is called a bro-curve. They will wear brands like Affliction and Ed Hardy. They don’t take compliments at all. Unless you have coke or more steroids, these tards don’t want you standing in the way of them pounding shots of Jack and sipping on Bud Lights. They go out with the purpose of making others feel like crap so they can brag to their boys in between sets at the gym during the day and again at night between bouts of raging gay sex.

To Girls:
Erectile dysfunction. Steroids are a bitch, aren’t they?

The Semi-Chunk/Pretty Girl

This is the girl who almost always wears a black top with blue jeans. That is how she hides it till you lose your fingers in her rolls like a baker does with fresh dough.

To Girls:
You are probably bringing one of these girls to the bar with your other lady friends. She will probably do a decent job of bringing guys around and drinking like one of the dudes. She is not afraid to get low and you look much prettier next to her. You’ll be talking about the next morning with sentences starting like “I just liked how (Insert girl’s name) was so crazy last night… blah blah”

To Guys:
This girl will buy her own drink. She is not afraid to buy you a drink either. She has the tolerance of a fish and expects the same from you. The goal is to NOT hook up with her. She is easy to hook up with at the end of the night because she turns into a prom queen that will blow you. The temptation is easy to let her snack on your meat while you watch like a voyeur to your own penis. Stay focused! Swim upstream like the salmon you are because if you can hang with her, you shall enter the promise land of her much hotter friends who will be clawing at you bear style.

Me

Your lovable lanky bastard scented with the slight smell of cigarettes, curry, and deodorant. If can’t smell me, you will hear my nonsensical screams consisting of either “what?” or “my dick hurts!”

To Guys:
I rock the jeans with the converse so don’t worry if you step on my shoes. I’m looking to pirate cheer with anyone willing to get as mangled as me. If you can hang and keep my interest (no homo), then I’ll even buy you a drink so we can both get trashed on our way to Mangladesh (being drunk)

To Girls:
The best conversation you’ll ever have with a stranger. Setting myself up for disappointment? Perhaps, but it won’t compare to what is coming your way should you take me home for a night of boom boom in yo’ room. Two minutes of mind blowing pleasure with added tears for lubrication.

Be sure to keep this article in your back pocket. You and your friends could spot the trends and avoid (or approach) as necessary. If there are any people I missed, feel free to tell us about them in the comment section. We respond faster than pregnancy tests.