Mean Rubber

Photo by JohnHallAssociates

As you enter the working world, the language you are accustomed to using in an email will be replaced with politically correct business terms.  Here are five terms you should understand before clicking send.

We’ll Discuss
This term is usually handed down from a superior. Despite being two simple words meaning conversation there will be no discussion.  Instead, your boss will be yelling at you in the near future.  The only words that will come out of your mouth will be “okay” with a side of “my apologies” to finalize the point that you are the one on the bottom and your boss is on top of you more than an ugly hairdo at the Lemon Tree.  Ebonics Translation: “Eh mothafucka, next time I see you, Imma make you hold mah pocket”

Thanks in Advance
The beauty about this term is that it is two fold in its meaning.  The sender is expecting the recipient to get the task at hand done.  In addition, the recipient better not expect a conclusive thank you as this formality has already been handled like receiving fellatio before but not after intercourse.  This term is generally reserved for pricks who think they are too important to take the time to thank someone and people who punch their kids without reason.  Ebonics Translation: “Jus get dis shit done already.”

Going forward
You will quickly learn that everyone in the corporate world is looking out for themselves; this expression is the no fault clause people enact when they don’t want to take the blame like Nazis sneaking into the United States after WWII. It is a way of setting a new rule for something you had no idea about in the first place.  When someone drops this bullshit, sit back and realize that you aren’t to blame. If they don’t cover their ass with this nonsense in an email, they will have two tickets to a shit show they will gladly take you to.  Ebonics Translation: “Eh yo, dis is how is gonna be”

Despite the forgoing
In the real world, this doesn’t exist. In the corporate world, this phrase is used more than that box of tissues next to your friend’s bed which he claims is for blowing his nose but you haven’t seen him catch a cold in the eight years you’ve known him.  Scan every long email towards the bottom from this saying on as a means of saving you time. You can safely ignore everything said before this business colloquialism (which is 95% of the email) and use the 5% as the answer you are looking for.  Ebonics Translation: “Imma do me, son”

Please Advise
If you have no idea what is going on, this term will get you clarification like the doctor saying, “everything came out positive, except the AIDS test because it was negative in a good way” If something was supposed to get done and you need to send out a second email, this is the politically correct way of asking that this should be taken care of as soon as possible like an abortion or mailing out the utility bill. This term is closely related to the widely used net term, “wtf?” Ebonics Translation: “Let a brother/bitch know! Aight?”

It is guaranteed you will encounter one of these five phrases every time you open your email inbox.  If they make their way into your normal conversation and you don’t feel like sucking down 9mm, then you can safely embrace the fact you will be a successful corporate drone. If they don’t, you might have some shred of a personality that is greater than corporate email.  Either way, welcome to your inbox! The only box worse than your coffin.